Burgers at The Counter (Or, “This is What’s Wrong With America”)

by Michael van Baker on August 18, 2010

On the heels of our burger shack survey, the SunBreak Burger Team decided to visit The Counter in Ballard (4609 14th Ave NW), which is, as you know, “the 21st century’s bold answer to the classic burger joint.” It turned out to be an oddly taxing experience, not least because two burgers, two fries, a malt and a soda came to over $34.

But first we were confronted by the “Build Your Own Burger” menu, which would make Barry Schwartz scream, “Have you learned nothing from my work?” Essentially, you walk in and are presented with a pop quiz for your stomach. Not only are there 17 million combinations to choose from, but some are “free,” and some are priced like extra toppings on your pizza ($0.50 to $1.00 per).

The smallest burger size is one-third of a pound of Angus beef, antibiotic- and hormone-free. (“Weights AFTER cooking,” the menu tells you proudly.) That sets you back $8.25 before you’ve added anything at all. 1/3-lb. ground beef! Does anyone else remember when the quarter-pounder was a large? The result is a burger you have to slice in half just to get your hands around a manageable piece. (Later I felt like a python that swallowed a deep-fried goat that had just sucked down a shake.)

After the ordering cram session, and the mental math involved, I began to understand how The Counter could afford its almost-chic glass-and-metal decor, but even so, the meal was completely unremarkable except for the crunchy freshness of the lettuce and tomatoes and pure mass of meat. (The chocolate malt, in contrast, was delicious.)

Something just doesn’t sit right with me about this out-sized, fetishized “burger experience”–I got the same slightly queasy feeling from Lunchbox Laboratory. If burgers are your fetish, of course, this is precisely the place for you.

I was picking at my order of sweet potato fries when a man the size of Mr. Creosote barged in (I’m using barge in the more prosaic sense: slow-moving tonnage) with three friends. I am not exaggerating when I say their group exceeded 1,000 pounds. He was wearing a T-shirt the size of a two-person tent and shorts which revealed a diabetic’s pre-ulcerous shins. The staff knew him, and greeted him. I put the fries back down, and pushed away from my table.

Filed under News
  • Audrey Hendrickson

    I think this is what’s right with America. Burger democracy and freedom for the people!

    However, yes, this is why we’re fat.

  • TroyJMorris

    I thought that was an incorrect image of a voter’s ballot. That’s more options than we have for public office! That’s nasty. I know you, MvB, I know you’re not exaggerating on the 1,000 lbs.

    No shame. Or a whole lotta sadness.

  • Buzzsaw

    I think there may be a price fixing scheme among the various burger joints. Most of them easily charge over $10 for a plain burger and extras of course add to the cost. It is not like we are being fed Kobe beef, usually if you are lucky it is ground round or chuck. It is certainly nothing you couldn’t do yourself over your own BBQ grill for $2. I know the farmers are certainly not getting the $$$$. The best deal in town is the $5 burger at McCormick & Schmicks during happy hour.

  • Marc C

    It sounds to me like the writes has been spending too much time ordering 3oz burgers by number at the drive-thu.

  • Frank

    Didn’t that used to be the $2 burger?

  • Tony Kay

    “…like a python that swallowed a deep-fried goat that had just sucked down a shake…”

    Lost it–to the tune of water-through-the-nose–over that one.