How to Prepare for a Massive Bird Die-Off in the Sky Above You

by Michael van Baker on January 5, 2011

Certain posts you put off writing in the hopes that the necessity for them is not yet; which is why you have to wait a bit for my guide: “How to Prise Your Car Free From the Chunk of Viaduct Crushing It.” However, the time has clearly come to alert you to best practices regarding thousands of birds plummeting at you from the heavens.

I don’t believe this is covered in Worst-Case Scenarios, and my extensive internet search revealed only that the way “researchers prepare for more bird deaths” is completely unhelpful–so listen up, because we’ll just have to think our way through this thing. 

Your first thought, umbrellas, is likely a nonstarter, despite their new availability downtown. If you find yourself near one, though, you might as well give it a shot. I’d guess you have only seconds before the beaks pierce and shred the fabric, leaving you defenseless.

Now, their beaks are aimed at your tender flesh, and as they may or may not be carrying the West Nile Virus, you’re most likely in mortal danger, not to mention a little freaked out. There’s no easy way to say this, but your best shot if caught in a birdfall out in the open is grab a bystander or a garbage can lid and use them/it for cover. 

A live bird will often be standing upright, like the crow shown here.
If the bird is dead, then the crow will be eating it.

If you’re in your car–I can’t stress this enough–check that your sunroof is closed.

A large part of surviving a mass bird die-off is simply to wait for them to clear the air, so to speak. Avoid open windows or large atriums, and the temptation to stew up something with jackdaw. As your parents have surely warned you, you don’t know where this flock has been. Better to wait to see how other people respond to eating the freshly dead birds before you crunch down on a wing yourself. Ha ha! We kid of course, you should never eat birds you find on the ground, even if they are piled in a luxuriant carpet and it seems a huge waste. 

NEXT: Zombie flocks.

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