Let’s face it–very few animals are smart enough to make it into college on brains alone. So, inspired by this Geico commercial, the Woodland Park Zoo is starting their youngsters on a regimen of soccer training, in hopes that they will earn athletic scholarships. According to a zoo news release, nine pre-college animals will begin training this Tuesday.
The juveniles selected for training are: 4-year-old donkey Rico; 2-year-old African lion Adia; 5-year-old snow leopard Tom; 17-year-old grizzly bears Keema and Denali; and 1-year-old wolves Doba, Shila, Aponi, and Kaya. Let’s handicap their chances.
Donkey Rico:
Probably the best shot of the bunch: We’ve already seen donkeys have success in soccer, as chronicled in the Disney documentary Gus, starring Don Knotts.
African lion Adia:
Powerful and fast, yes, but lions grow to four feet tall at best and would have difficulty competing for headers in the penalty area. Though Adia may have a local role model in the Sounders’ four-foot striker Mike Fucito.
Snow leopard Tom:
I’ll be rooting hardest for Tom, since nothing can help an endangered species like getting a college degree and moving into the 1%. A native of the Himalayas, the snow leopard is accustomed to elevation, a trait that might interest the Sounders given Saturday night’s debacle at three-quarters-mile-high Rio Tinto Stadium.
Grizzly bears Keema and Denali:
On one hand, age 17 is a little late to develop the footwork skills needed for soccer success. On the other hand, probably easier to teach the bears soccer than algebra, at this point.
Wolves Doba, Shila, Aponi, and Kaya:
This is the way to do it–start ’em young. Just make sure they understand the rules. This baby panda playing soccer has more than three million views on YouTube, but, I mean, hello? HANDBALL! If college coaches see that, they will strike you right off their recruiting list.
Some of these words might come as a bit of a harsh reality check, but it comes from a place of love. We here at The SunBreak want all of Seattle’s youth to succeed, whatever their race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, Edward/Jacob preference, or species.
If you want to watch the animals train, here’s this Tuesday’s schedule: Donkey @ 10:15 a.m; Lion @ 10:40 a.m.; Snow leopard @ 11:00 a.m.; Grizzlies @ 11:20 a.m.; Wolves @ 11:45 a.m.
