Skyfall is Skary (Especially If You Don’t Dig Rats)

So James Bond is Scottish–ohwhatagiveaway! Or should I say, ohnothimagain?  Check, everybody in the UK is buds with everybody else, right? In semi-seriousness, though, that James Bond is a bad mutha–hush your mouth! But I’m talkin’ about James Bond!

You have to love James Bond like a reptile now anyway, because James Bond is Daniel Craig (now, anyway), and Daniel Craig is like a reptile most of the time. He lays down the reptile baseline, never moving his face except to think about licking his lips, and so the emotion has to flow around him; imagine a rock stuck halfway between the banks of a stream. Getting Moneypenny out into the field and allowing her to whup some ass certainly helps. That’s Naomie Harris, who is alive in all the ways that Craig is not. She’s a relief.

The plot? Oh yeah, M gets in over her head at the hands of some computer hacker and she and Bond have to re-affirm their long-dysfunctional relationship. This Bond installment’s cattywampus in that most of ‘em climax with the confrontation with the baddie, but this one throws in two such confrontations, the villain throwing himself boldly across the boss-agent two-step.

Ah yes, the villain. Javier Bardem. Put your upper teeth over your lower lip. Push those upper teeth out. Bite down gently on your lower lip. Then keep your upper teeth out and make a rapid chewing motion like you’re a rat on a piece of cheese. Chew-chew-chew-chew-chew-chew-chew-chew. Now imagine that you’re dressed impossibly cool and your hair is some unnatural color of blond and you’re advancing on a bound James Bond reciting some impossibly cool monologue that explains the nature of the world, and the camera pans in and you stride closer to the camera until you’re standing over Bond and you get to sum up.

Pay close attention, because a lot of people are going to be doing this shit next Halloween.  You mark my words right now.