Dear Mr. Rossi:
Dino Rossi, job-hunter
Well, here we are yet again, with you on the losing side of another election. And yet again, you weren't able to muster enough votes outside of King County to overcome the usual overwhelming support for Democrats this county musters. Although you did do two percent better in King County than in 2008, you still couldn't crack the magic 40 percent mark a Republican needs in the county to have a chance at winning.
So, here you are yet again, out of a job. And this time around, you can't go back to real estate. I mean, have you seen the commercial real estate vacancy rate in Seattle? Over 17 percent. You ain't gonna make much money selling or leasing property in this economy. And don't even think about selling residential. You do read Seattle Bubble, right?
And I know you're thinking, Hey, I can latch on as a "political consultant." Let me remind you--you've now lost three times. And even if you want to say hey, I did win in '04, you got your rear spanked in 2008 by Christine Gregoire, a governor so ineffectual she makes Bartleby look like David Allen. I mean, seriously, you came into that election with the momentum and you lost by seven percent? You've done so poorly Alan Keyes could be your campaign manager and you'd do better.
Oh, hey, I can be a lobbyist down in Olympia, you think. And do what exactly? Get some tax breaks for the BIAW when the state budget is about to get another $5-$6 billion blown out of it this next biennium?
Again, you want to win political office, right? And you need to get 40 percent in King County, right? How you going to do that as the land man for the BIAW or the NRA or whatever right-wing lobby firm comes along?
Now, now, put down that Dick's job application. I have a modest proposal for you. I know it sounds crazy, and I know it'll make every Reagan-loving bone in your body ache, but here me out. There is an opening for a well-paying job that I think you'd be perfect for.
President of the University of Washington.
No, no, come back here! Seriously. Listen. I think you're the perfect fit. Let me explain why.
UW has a terrible reputation down in Olympia. Conservatives think the place is filled with Noam Chomskys and Ward Churchills teaching kids about Evil Socialism or that Taxation Is Not Entirely Evil or There Are Other Books Besides The Bible And Whatever Sean Hannity Is Promoting This Week. Liberals think it's a Nice Place, but Seriously, Public Schools, Medicaid, and Huge Tax Breaks For Microsoft Are More Important. And everyone just doesn't see why higher education is all that important, given that Noam Chomsky never ran around screaming "DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS" like that great and glorious genius Steve Ballmer did.
And you know all this, Dino. You were in Olympia for eight years. You were in the caucuses. You wrote a state budget. (Although, honestly, I'd stop citing that as a career high point. I mean, writing a Washington state budget is pretty damn simple. Give 51 percent to education, cut everything else, throw state employees under the bus, and we're done!)
What UW needs right now is someone who knows how things work in the state capitol. And what better person than you, a staunch conservative, holding the banner of higher education high as you waltz in under the dome? It worked for Colorado when they brought in former senator Hank Brown. He single-handedly saved CU from annihilation just by being a Republican who could talk to Republicans about how important higher education was.
And keep in mind, we're talking about an institution that employs 29,000 people and generates $9.1 billion in state economic benefit a year. $9.1 billion. Yeah, that's not quite Microsoft, but a whole bunch of your supporters run companies that barely generate one-tenth of that. As an institution, UW brings in $1 billion in research dollars, second only to Johns Hopkins.
UW is a big deal. And they need someone who can sell the Legislature on what a big deal they are, or else that those billions will start to dry up.
And we've already seen how people react when they're asked to pony up for quality education. They vote it down, and hard. Someone needs to be an advocate for higher ed in this state, and only Nixon, after all, could go to China.
Now you're thinking, "Hey, what's in it for me? I mean, I'll be surrounded by all these...liburyals. Some of them might even be vegans, or read The Nation, or think Keith Olbermann makes a good point once or twice a week."
Yes, yes, we know. UW doesn't exactly have a Hoover Institution you can hide in. But think what you will get. A rancorous Faculty Senate filled with people who hate you. Hey, it's just like what the state legislature would have been like for you had you won either time you ran! You'll also get to see exactly how a place like UW is run and figure out how to make it run more efficiently. Heaven knows the place needs a good Stygian flood to wash the waste out of here. And you'll have the opportunity to say hey, I'm a university president who helped save the university Seattle liberals so love and Wazzu alums so loathe!
Plenty of big politicians served as university presidents. Woodrow Wilson was president of Princeton when he ran for president. Eisenhower was president of Columbia between the war and his election in 1952 (and heck, it wasn't even a good fit, and he still won). Think what having executive experience as the CEO of a Public Ivy will do for your credentials.
Seriously, you want to be governor, this is the job you need to get. You turn 29,000 employees around to liking you and thinking you can be governor, you've just swung four percent of King County's registered voters to your side. (Yes, yes, Bothell and Tacoma aren't in Seattle, but stick with me.) You'll finish this election with 36 percent of the King County vote. Add in that four percent...and all a sudden you have a real chance.
But, you say, being president of UW will ruin my bona fides with the GOP! First, congratulations on knowing Latin! I hope that means you won't obliterate the Classics department. Second, it won't make one lick of a difference. Hell, they trumpeted you as being from King County back in 2004, as if That Would Matter. And seriously, you think all those Republicans east of the mountains really care? They're as kneejerk about voting GOP as King County voters are Dem.
But what if I destroy the university? Well, you won't. UW will long outlast you. It's unkillable, like Dick Cheney. You could damage it pretty severely. I mean, your business track record is...let's skip over that. But really, the legislature is doing its best to destroy it already. Just blame them if the place falls apart. It worked for Emmert. And McCormick. And Gerberding. And Schmitz....
And besides, you do a terrible job, I'm sure Rob McKenna, fresh off getting spanked by how-the-hell-is-she-still-Governor Gregoire, will be more than happy to raise the university from the ashes like a phoenix, transforming him into the next Woodrow Wilson. He's an actual alum, after all.
Consider it, Dino. You know Olympia. You know how to write a budget. You are a master salesman. You could be the face of the University of Washington. All UW needs is someone with your qualifications to finally turn the tide of anti-higher education sentiment in this state. You could be the hero to liberals you sold yourself as in 2004 (and almost pulled it off). Four years in Seattle and you could be governor. Or senator. Or heck, the third U.S. president to have been a college president. All you have to do is put your name in the hat....
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