Don’t Watch The Rest of The Killing! Here’s How It Ends!

Last week, I had a revelation: The Killing character “David Rainer” (which should be spelled “David Rainier”), recently introduced via letter envelope as Rosie Larsen’s real dad, would have to be the real identity of Seattle mayoral candidate Darren Richmond. Because of initials–and because that’s just how stupidly obvious this show is.

And then, from there, several realizations, one after another: Rosie’s mom Mitch must be hiding out in Blaine (from the address on the envelope) trying to find her baby daddy. If you recall–i.e., if you’re as crazy as I am–the map in Mitch’s car showed a route vaguely headed north, towards the border. Rosie must’ve figured out via her mother’s Dream Shoebox that Darren was her father and that’s why she volunteered to work for his mayoral campaign.

Rosie knows about the inner workings of the famed Seattle Polish Mafia from her dad. And she had some super 8 video or something that the mayor’s development project was somehow involved with Jasper’s dad’s construction firm and the Wapi Indian tribe, so that’s why she dated Jasper, went undercover working for Beau Soleil, and spent her Friday nights conducting investigations at the Casino. That’s it! The rest is just details. And shit I don’t care about, like Linden’s personal life.

What else needs to get wrapped up on this stupid show? Oh yeah, who killed Rosie Larsen? I’m going to stick with my original prediction of Jamie (out of some misguided loyalty to the Richmond campaign), just because nearly every other character has already been a suspect by now, and I have played many games of Clue.

So with all those deep thoughts on The Killing–far deeper than the show deserves–out of the way, let’s go back to the latest episode (“Keylala”). At the end of the previous episode, Linden was scared by a child’s drawing on the fridge and moved herself and her son Jack into her partner Holder’s place for the night. Outside, an Asian guy sits in a car smoking and watching the apartment. I hope it’s not Gary Locke!

Somehow the whiz-bang audio technicians at the SPD were able to determine that the sliding door sound from Rosie’s last voicemail was at a construction site at the casino, so it’s away we go. Linden continues to be a bad mother constantly depriving her child of any sense of normality, so she wants Jack packed up and out of Holder’s apartment right away, even though it’s clear both Holder and Jack would like them to stay. Not just because Holder made breakfast burritos!

Day 20 dawns just as stupid as any other day in this dumb town. Rosie BFF Spencer makes a brief appearance again, this time to give Stan some stuff that was left behind in Rosie’s locker. Linden moves herself and Jack into a slightly nicer motel on Aurora and tells Jack to put the “do not disturb” sign on the door so the maid doesn’t come in, and she’ll be back for dinner. He can call room service for lunch and may order a movie, “just this once.” Jack, go ahead–you deserve some free porn on your moms.

When Holder expresses what any other human being would feel–that maybe Linden should pay more attention to her own child than the dead one in her case–Linden yells at him and calls herself “a shitty mom.” TRUE. Happy Mother’s Day from Veena Sud and everyone at The Killing! In a total bitch move, Linden asks Holder, “You talk to your sponsor lately?” and then sends him off to work undercover at the Wapi Eagle Indian Casino. Holder says that at least he “owns his addiction.”

Blah blah Mean Indian Chief Lady blah blah. So while Holder’s investigating in the casino, Linden is driving around Point Yubec.

She drives around the rez and sees trailers and menacing little Native American kids with mullets and sticks. A look Holder might describe as “wary-ass”:

Meanwhile Holder’s walking around the casino like he’s looking to buy whatever anyone is selling–blackjack dealers, maids, sassy bartenders, and escorts. This is actually kinda interesting. I have said it before and I will say it again: the only good thing about The Killing is Joel Kinnaman, who plays Holder and whose talents are completely wasted on these scripts. Dude is Swedish, but sounds like Detroit, for chrissakes! When the dirty old bartendress turns down his salacious offer for a construction site bone, Holder allows himself to be picked up by the dude at the end of the bar who calls him a “dirty white boy.” Then a maid slips him a time and place to meet via a B.B.’s Hair Emporium matchbook while mentioning Rosie’s backpack. Good police work, Holder!

Now, a brief interlude to take a closer look at the Wapi Eagle Casino’s logo:

Enhance.

ENHANCE.

The Richmond campaign (in the form of Gwen and Jamie) approach Stan Larsen and offer him the chance to get a reduced sentence in exchange for Stan to appear with Darren Richmond and help clear his name at a press conference. Gwen knows that the DA isn’t willing to make such a deal with Stan, but who cares about that, it’s only the dead girl’s dad? And since in this case, the dad’s in trouble for beating up a brown guy (Rosie’s teacher Bennet Ahmed) for being brown, I’m willing to let this ethical lapse slide. Eventually, Richmond goes in person (in wheelchair) to talk to Stan Larsen, because “running is more important than walking.” BOOOOOO.

Linden discovers that the Wapi land contains some areas of disturbed earth, but it’s “sacred burial grounds” so you can’t dig it up. Psyche! The Mean Wapi Chief Lady tells Linden the story of Keylela, a rebellious nine-year-old girl who drowned, but when the wind whistles through the totem poles it makes the sound of her begging to come back home. Too bad it was all a convenient lie turned into a fairy tale: Keylela was just some low-class rez girl who went missing and was found beaten and tied to a tree, as “a message from the white man.”

The Larsen boys carve jack-o-lanterns because oh yeah, Day 20 = still Halloween season! Terry confesses that Jasper Ames’ father was her boyfriend who she met through Beau Soleil. In return, Stan kicks her out of his house. So long, whore!

The CPS OH YES show up to charge Linden with neglect. Aww, come on, officer, she only left her thirteen-year-old child alone for three or four hours! But don’t worry, Jack knows how to pull the old sneaking out the bathroom/fake phonecall so you and your mom can escape from Child Protective Services trick.

Of course Stan realizes that he can use the attention and the microphone as a bully pulpit, so he shows up at the Richmond presser but goes off-script, lambasting the media for their coverage of Rosie’s murder. Then he offers up a $12,000 bounty, yelling “Somebody’s going to pay for taking my daughter away! That’s all I gotta say.” Gwen and Jamie look at each other like, I think that went well.

FINALLY Holder is snagged by the casino cops and the Mean Wapi Chief Lady and gets his ass beat by the reservation cops. The Mean Wapi Chief Lady calls up Linden so she can hear them beating Holder’s ass. And Holder’s like, this booty call sucks. And–correct me if I’m wrong–the episode closes with no trademark The Killing klassic fadeout music. For the first time ever? Who cares? I already got this shit figured out.