2012 is Pretty Much the End of the World

There goes the neighborhood.

The two-and-a-half hour flick (ugh) kicks off with nearly an hour of backstory (double ugh). That is not what the audience is here for. We do not care about John Cusack or Amanda Peet or Chiwetel Ejiofor or Oliver Platt. We do not care about Thandie Newton being pretty or Woody Harrelson being crazy (neither of which requires acting ability). And we certainly do not care about Danny Glover starring as pseudo-Barack Obama, the first and last black President of the United States, even if he does get to say things like, "You don't know what it's like to be the last President, son." 

We are here to see THINGS BLOW UP. And truthfully, the moment that shit finally starts to go down (the beginning of the apocalypse, as it were) is the most fun part of the entire movie. But after the fourth time you watch people outrun waves of disaster--on foot, in a limo, by plane, in a camper--it all gets a little ridiculous. 

Emmerich has previously destroyed the White House, but he gets to do so again, as well as taking out the Washington Monument, the Sistine Chapel, Yellowstone National Park, Rio de Janeiro, and all of Las Vegas. C'est la vie. He gives you CGI up the wazoo (some of which is quite impressive), but the action gets bogged down with way too much time spent on character development. Look, I know you have kids and need to talk about the issues in your relationship, but seriously, the apocalypse is no time to work on a failed marriage. Thankfully, there isn't a long, drawn-out explanation of why exactly the world is coming to an end, besides neutrinos from the sun make the Earth's core GO CRAZY.

Obviously, there's very little in the film to take seriously, though of course, people have to be told: No, this isn't a documentary. Case in point, everything on the internets. I didn't stick around after the screening for the post-film Q&A with a representative from Pacific Science Center. No doubt she had to spend most of her time explaining that come 12/21/12, we are all gonna be just fine, relatively speaking.

Lord knows that when the apocalypse does happen (after the machines rise up), it will assuredly take less than 158 minutes and cost way less than $200 million.  But here's the real doomsday scenario: Emmerich is talking about a television spinoff of the movie, taking place in 2013. Really, Roland, after you've leveled the entire planet, what exactly is left to destroy?

(2012 is currently playing at Landmark Metro Cinemas, AMC Pacific Place 11, AMC Loews Uptown 3, and Regal Cinemas Thornton Place Stadium.)