So We Think We Can't Drive

I've been enjoying the Travel Channel's new series America's Worst Driver. Unlike other reality television competitions like Project Runway and Top Chef, they're not looking for the cream of the crop, but the worst of the worst. The premise is simple: visit eight cities around the country (previous episodes have featured San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, and Miami), test four terrible drivers from each locale (with the person who nominated them acting as navigator) on a variety of road and obstacle course challenges, and then destroy the car of the very worst driver, via monster truck or explosion or what have you. Of course, the worst driver for each episode can somewhat redeem themselves by proving themselves not to be America's Worst Driver when the cities' worst drivers all compete in the finale.

Episode 5, which aired this weekend, brought the show to Seattle, where you'd be hard-pressed to pick one worst driver, since the whole city is full of terribly inept people behind the wheel. The show's intro names Seattle as one of most congested cities in the country, and further cites its one-way streets, equally terrible pedestrians, and rain as other factors that challenge drivers. Nonetheless, we've got our four contestants in the form of Mary, nominated by her husband Brian (even though she actually lives in Olympia--SCANDAL); Stephanie C., nominated by her twin sister Vicki; Aaron, nominated by his friend Brian; and Stephanie S., nominated by her roommate Kelly. This time around, the worst driver's car will be eaten by Robosaurus, and thankfully, all of the drivers will receive a AAA driver improvement course.

The teams are sent on their first challenge, driving in Downtown Seattle. All drivers start out with 100 points, but they lose a point every time they break a traffic law or deviate from the turn-by-turn directions. (They've got a cop following them who with let them know when they've losing points via a red flashing light and buzzer in their car.) The winner of the city driving challenge wins a trip for two to Napa, and y'know, their car won't be destroyed.

The drivers start in West Seattle's Hamilton Viewpoint Park and must drive through SoDo and Pioneer Square to end up at Pike Place Market.  First we're following airhead Stephanie S., who has had seven car accidents and thirteen tickets in a mere seven years. She blows through a stop sign even before she's left the parking lot and actually believes that stop signs with white borders (i.e., all of them) are optional. Meanwhile Mary doesn't seem to know that she's supposed to have her hands on the wheel (see video above). Aaron is a tad road-ragey, but I think he's correct in that horns need to be employed more often in Seattle. For example, more people need to honk at Stephanie C., who is completely clueless and comes close to hitting a few pedestrians. However, she's actually in the best position right now, as she still has 89 of her original 100 points. Stephanie S. is doing the worst, with 80 points remaining.

They're some funny editing going on here, as Mary yells, "This is Denny!" and then pulls into the Market. Meanwhile, the boys are lost in SoDo. When all the drivers make it to Pike Place, they head to the fish tossers for their second challenge. The navigators have to hold a tray of fifteen pounds of seafood and ice while the drivers steadily pilot the car to the South Lake Union piers. The team with the most fish left on their tray at their destination gets a bonus ten points. Even before they've started the challenge, Aaron and Brian have an awkward moment, as tray-holding Brian wants Aaron to reach into his pocket and take out his phone so it doesn't get covered in fish water. It's not what it looks like. Later it is what it looks like, when Brian has a clam wedged under his ass. And both of the Stephanies rack up infractions galore.

They all make it to the docks and weigh the seafood left on their trays. Aaron and Brian lost a whopping 45 percent of their fish, Stephanie S. and Kelly lost 30 percent, Mary and Brian lost 15 percent, but twin Stephanie C. only lost 10 percent of the fish off the tray, so she gets the 10 bonus points, which takes her up to 71 points, Mary's right behind with 70 points, then Stephanie S. with 63, and Aaron with 54. Now it's time for the final road challenge: parallel parking in a tight space on the dock, while the Duwamish fireboat sprays them with water. The challenge is both timed and they lose two points lost for every time they hit another car. I know what the show is going for here, but a fire hose spray does not exactly mimic a Seattle rain. Anyways, Stephanie S. is done in two minutes, having hit the cars around her eight times (minus 16 points); Aaron's time is five minutes and minus 12 points; Mary's time is seven minutes, with ten hits (minus 20 points); but Stephanie C. does best, just barely edging out Mary by one point to win the trip to Napa.

So Stephanie C. (and her car are safe), but Mary, Aaron, and Stephanie S. must compete in the obstacle course. First challenge: reverse around balanced rims and back up onto a ramp to just touch a bunch of barrels. It's timed, and there's a penalty of five seconds per rim knocked over. Stephanie is first and takes her sweet time. I have never seen anyone do that course in over 20 minutes, but she ends up at 22:53, including 00:25 of penalties. Aaron is up next and gets his car stuck trying to roll over a rim. He ends up with a a flat tire (and a rim wedged underneath the car), but he still beats Stephanie's time on only three good wheels in 12 minutes flat. If Mary does the course in under 12 minutes, she'll be safe. She knocks over a whole bunch of rims, but that serves to clear the path for her to get through the course in 11:30.

So, Stephanie are Aaron are the final two worst drivers, and they have one more obstacle course ahead of them. It's the same on every episode: a 75-yard straightaway, followed by an  180-degree turnaround, again surrounded by the balanced rims, all with a big boxful of water on top of the car, so any sloppy driving results in wet occupants. Then they switch to a dry car to drive onto a teeter-totter and hold their balance for 10 seconds, and then the final leg through a slalom course, featuring runaway grocery carts and a sand trap. Again, the course is timed with five penalty seconds per item hit by the contestants' cars.

Aaron is first. He and Brian are soaked and cold, but they get through the turnaround quickly by hitting lots of rims. The teeter-totter takes a little work, and he hits a lot of things on the course, but he gets through it quickly--3:42 with a 55 penalty seconds, for a total of 4:37. Stephanie is next, and she seems to be making good time too. The teeter-totter is problematic and takes a few tries, and on the final leg she hits just about everything, but it seems like her time might be faster than Aaron's.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for: Robosaurus is there with both cars in front of him, Stephanie's sedan and Aaron's truck. After making like he's going to eat both vehicles, Robosaurus totally destroys Stephanie's car, leaving it a fiery, crumbled metal mess. So Stephanie is the worst driver in Seattle, and will go on to compete in the finale. For the rest of the drivers, congratulations, you're not the worst; now take that AAA driving course just to be safe.