The episode begins with Jen and the rest of the Blue Team having a sad about how Restaurant Wars turned out. Of course, local chef Robin is happy the team she was on won, and the fact that she’s still around. It never bodes well when a contestant is talking about how good they’re doing in a competition at the beginning of an episode, so I fully expect Robin to be kicked off by the end of tonight’s show. Reality TV producers, I’m onto you.

For the quickfire challenge, they have to make a gourmet TV dinner inspired by a TV show. They draw knives, and Robin gets Sesame Street, which Robin didn’t watch as a kid, so she’s thinking of making something with a cookie and, like, ground beef with an egg. Douchebag Mike has never watched an episode of Seinfeld, which is hard to believe. Robin’s meal turns out to be a burger with an egg on it, crispy kale, carrot salad, and an almond chocolate cookie. The bottom two are Robin and Jen, the latter of which is seriously slipping of late. Beardo Kevin wins for the umpteenth time with his meaball take on The Sopranos. And all of a sudden Top Chef is doing a line of frozen foods (by Schwann’s home service)? Teacher, no!

For the elimination challenge, the contestants are taking over judge Tom Collechio’s restaurant Craftsteak at the MGM Grand. Robin is nervous because she doesn’t have steakhouse experience, and everyone is making their big meat plans. But as we all know from the previews, the big twist on this episode is surprise guest Natalie Portman, who is vegetarian. (She used to be vegan, right? Google backs me up on this.) So everyone’s menu ideas are spoiled. Now Robin is excited because she loves cooking for vegetarians. Folks are divvying up the veggies and fighting over eggplants. It turns out that Beardo Kevin doesn’t eat meat during Lent. Douchebag Mike is feeling cocky as always (his mom was vegan?), but then his leeks are undercooked.

Now it’s time to feed the judges and Natalie Portman and her coterie. Robin’s dish goes out first, but she runs out of time and doesn’t get garbanzo beans on all of her plates. She’s also making a dish she’s never made before, which is generally not a good idea at this stage of the competition. It’s a wild mushroom-stuffed squash blossom, with beet (not to be confused with beef) carpaccio, fresh garbanzo beans, and a chermoule sauce. It’s too saucy and unbalanced seasoning-wise, but Natalie Portman seems to like it.

Brother Michael said he wanted his dish to confuse and please Natalie Portman, and with its banana polenta, it gets just that reaction. Jen’s dish is more of a side dish than a main course, and her nerves are showing. Douchebag Mike’s protein-free dish doesn’t go over well, even though Natalie Portman likes leeks and purple is her favorite color! Brother Bryan also doesn’t get a few things on his plate, but they all like making innuendos about how a garlic blossom is a like a little prick on your tongue that gets big in your mouth. And that is what Padma said. Kevin’s dish is sloppy, but tastes as good as always.

Kevin, Michael, and Eli are the top three. Kevin wins yet again for his meaty mushroom and turnip meal. Yay for Lent-abiding Beardos. Brother Michael is mad, because his dish was Art and must be regarded as such. Robin, Jen, and Douchebag Mike are the bottom three. Robin talks and talks and talks and comes off as unfocused as her dish. Jen seems defeatist, and Mike is arrogant and combative with the judges. I am convinced Robin is going home, but no! It’s Douchebag Mike for his leeky meal. Robin lives to cook another day.

Next week: They’re cooking room service for Padma? Looks like that with Mike gone, now it’s Brother Michael who’s back to being mean to Robin.