Yes, this is a hoary format, usually only good for a forced half-smile or two. But what the hell, the new year wipes away all sins against humor. So here you go. Headlines you won’t see in 2010. Oh God.

Mayor McGinn Adds Eighth Car to Daily Motorcade
“Getting to work without generating thigh sweat is pretty awesome,” says McGinn.

Scandinavian Found Living in Ballard
Gustav Sorensen asked for “pickled herring booth” at Sunday farmers’ market, was immediately placed under mental health supervision.

KeyArena Rededicated as Howard Schultz Pavilion
No one more responsible for bringing roller derby to Seattle Center.

Local Drivers Noted for Competency
“I drove from First Hill to the U District today and never once said “@#$@#,” let alone “^#%$#!” or “#%^!!$#$@@,” claims motorist.

Seattle Children’s Hospital Unveils Plan to Serve as Helicopter Base for Al Qaeda
Laurelhurst residents cautiously optimistic for traffic reductions

Cougs Win

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