Leo, I know how you feel.

I knew Shutter Island would be bad last fall, when Paramount moved the film from October to the studios’ February dumping ground. But I also knew I would have to see it anyway, because it’s a Martin Scorsese film, starring his muse/mancrush Leonardo DiCaprio, blah blah blah. So, even though I have been sick of the ads for a month now, I did. And let me tell you: It is just as lousy as I expected.

Not that there’s nothing good about the film. There’s some lovely shots involving light and dark and cigarette smoke by master cinematographer Robert Richardson, and intricate visual landscapes care of production designer (and longtime Scorsese collaborator) Dante Ferretti. And the film has some genuinely tense and creepy moments. But.

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The biggest problem with Shutter Island is its tone. Scorsese could have had a solid ’50s-detectives-visit-the-local-insane-asylum B movie here, but the film’s still got all the high-falutin’ mainstream trappings: faux-artsiness, awkward exposition, overt Holocaust references, and an overly serious score. If it’s a B movie, embrace that it’s a B movie–don’t dress it up in fancy clothes. Marty, ur doin it wrong.

Anyways, Leo does his best gumshoe squint and furrowed brow (and transfers his Bahhsten accent from The Departed) to play Teddy Daniels, a Federal Marshall who made the ferry trip with his partner (Mark Ruffalo) to investigate a missing patient at the titular locale. Lots of other quality actors show up–Ben Kingsley, Max von Sydow, Michelle Williams, Emily Mortimer, Jackie Earle Haley, Patricia Clarkson–but it’s all for naught. You don’t need great acting to get where this film is going, which I had already discerned last year FROM THE TRAILER. After a drawn-out final act, the film ended and a collective groan went up from the crowd. Never a good sign.

What’s worse is that most critics are still praising Shutter Island, showing deference to the Scorsese legacy. (And props to David Edelstein and A.O Scott for telling it like it is.) Had the exact same film been directed by someone a little less critic-proof, say Chris Columbus or Ron Howard, I’d expect the reviews to be quite different. 

On the upside, at least Scorsese didn’t use The Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” again.

• Shutter Island opens today at theaters all over Seattle, including Pacific Place, Cinerama, the Metro, and Thornton Place.