Who Should You Root For in the World Cup?

Rooting for aesthetics? Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo is your guy

With the World Cup starting tomorrow, you may be asking yourself: Which of the competition's 32 countries should I root for? Here are The Official Sunbreak recommendations.

1) Don't root for the U.S.
Hey, I love 'Mer'ca as much as the next Bud drinker, but let's face it: The human happiness effect of an American win is a wisp of the elation that would result from any other country's victory. Millions of Brazilians, Germans and Nigerians would consider a World Cup win among their life's greatest moments, setting off spontaneous nationwide parades. What would be the result of an U.S. win? You might see some broad grins in the imported beer section of your local co-op grocery, but for most Americans witnessing a U.S. World Cup victory ranks near meeting the Charmin bear on their list of lifetime goals. Not to go all Obamunism on you, but to each according to his needs, people!

2) Root for the most attractive players
International drool inducer David Beckham won't play--he's injured--but you aficionados of the male form may still root for such eye-pleasing footballers as Paraguay's Roque Santa Cruz, Brazil's Kaka, and Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo (seen at right with his head photoshopped onto my body).

3) Root for a favorite
Are you one of these assholes who roots for the Cowboys in football, the Yankees in baseball, the Lakers in basketball, and the Pussycat Dolls chick on Dancing with the Stars? You can use this handy list of World Cup betting odds to choose one of the likely winners. Currently Spain is the favorite at around 4-1, with Brazil, Argentina and England all drawing less than 10-1 odds.

4) Root for your country of ethnic origin
Get Grandma on the horn and find out what war-torn and/or impoverished country she fled to get here. My Norwegian heritage was a bust, as "The Horny Ballers" (as I assume they are called) didn't make it in this year. But those many of you with Italian, German or English heritage are set, and with three of the top teams. Other common U.S. heritages in the tourney: Mexico, The Netherlands, France, Japan.

5) Root for a place you've been
Last World Cup I threw my rooting weight behind Ecuador, where I once lived for six months. But, like the Norwegians, the Ecuadorians didn't make the 32-team field. Even been to Denmark? They're in. How about Australia? They're called "The Socceroos," which is awesome.

6) Root for an underdog
What's more satisfying--and American--than rooting for the unexpected? If you want a nearby underdog, try Honduras. This is a country with a population about the same as Washington state's, and here they are in the world's biggest sporting event. Even though there was a coup in their country during qualifying! Just scoring a goal will be considered a great national triumph. Or Ivory Coast, the best hope for a champion among the African countries; that soccer-mad continent has never had a World Cup winner, it would be nice for them to get one in their first time hosting a World Cup.

7) Root for a team with cool player names
One of the greatest players in the world has one of the great names: Xavi, of Spain. His teammates include Xabi Alonso and Iker Casillas. Then there's Cameroon, with Samuel Eto'o, Vincent Aboubakar, and the Song brothers, Rigobert and Alexandre. If you like your names short and sweet, try Portugal, who feature Eduardo in goal, Duda in defense and Deco in midfield.

8) Root for a future Sounder
Switzerland's top striker, Blaise Nkufo, will join Sounders FC after the World Cup ends. On second thought, you may want to root against the Swiss so Nkufo will be in better form once he dons the rave green.

9) Root for North Korea
If you really can't find any country to root for, you're gonna be left with North Korea. Given the very real possibility that this wacky country may someday exterminate the human race, maybe you'll want to get on their good side? And any nation whose leader routinely shoots four holes-in-one per round of golf must be pretty good at sports.

10) Pick a country from one of these awesome World Cup songs!
Or just get yourself amped up for the tourney with these over-produced, cheesy, vapid, but, unless you have a heart of stone, touching, World Cup songs. (Including Shakira!)

Official FIFA theme: "Wavin' Flag," by Canadian hippety-hopper K'Naan and Spanish pop star David Bisbal.

Shakira's World Cup song "Waka Waka" feat. Fozzie Bear

Nike's "Write the Future," starring Homer Simpson, Kobe Bryant, and the world's best soccer players.

ESPN's, narrated by Bono!