What I wouldn’t give to be a Portlandia writer. You sleep till 2 p.m., then pull up The Oregonian on your iPad, and see, for example, that a Portland insurance company is having an employee art show. Look: A “whimsical” bonsai tree made out of wine corks! Cut, paste in to Final Draft, write in a cameo for James Mercer, episode finished. Honestly, finding material for that show is about as hard as finding seagull shit at Ivar’s Fish Bar.

Meanwhile, here in Seattle, we are doing real work. Now, neither the Seattle Sounders nor Portland Timbers score many goals, but they are sure scoring with my funny bone! (Note to editor–Ew! Please rephrase.) Check out these high-larious commercials:

First, here’s the Timbers’ extremely Scottish coach, John Spencer, in an ad for Alaska Airlines:

And now, Sounders’ forward Roger Levesque in a spot that’s part of the team’s “Make a Date with a Sounder” campaign.

Ha! I happen to prefer the Portland commercial, but wanna know a secret? It’s really Seattle that’s bringing the funny in both cases. Seattle-based Wong, Doody, Crandall, Wiener did the Timbers’ spot, and Seattle-based Wexley School for Girls did the Sounders campaign.

Sorry, Portland, but you’re better at being the butt of jokes than actually making them. I kid! I kid! We love you guys! Powell’s! Street food! So much brunch!