Oy vey. This show. Will it ever end? I was out of town when last week’s episode of The Killing aired and couldn’t bring myself to watch it until Saturday night–I got depressed when I realized that it was only the fifth episode (sixth hour) of this season–and then I had to rewatch the episode on Sunday because it didn’t hold my attention the first time around. At this point, slogging through this terrible television show and writing these recaps is truly a labor of hate.

Anyways, in last week’s episode, we found out that Alexi wasn’t involved in Rosie Larsen’s murder, but was with Rosie at the ferry dock the night she died, where Rosie was scared of someone in a town car. Mitch befriended a teenage runaway with terrible piercings at the hotel that she’s been staying at for her family abandonment/sexual walkabout. Linden continued to be a bad mother, leaving her son home alone with a 103F fever until her ex flew all the way from Chicago to take care of him. Richmond stopped pitying himself after finding out that Mayor Adams was somehow involved with the fake photo that framed him for Rosie’s murder. And finally, after we saw Stan kiss his kids’ aunt, in the big reveal, it turns out that Stan Larsen isn’t Rosie’s real father.

That’s actually a lot to occur in one episode, especially compared to last night’s. The mystery man that Terry had been screwing wants to break things off with her. Oh wait, it’s one of her whoring clients, Michael Ames, Rosie’s ex-boyfriend Jasper’s father, a character who I don’t remember at all because he only appeared briefly in a couple early episodes last season. Was Jasper’s father also schtupping Rosie? Was Rosie a virgin or a Beau Soleil whore? I don’t know or care. However, I am thankful for Jasper’s father, if only because he was a part of this great exchange: “What ferry?” “The one that goes to that Indian casino.” Ah yes, Michael Ames’ alibi for the night of Rosie Larsen’s murder is that he took the ferry from Queen Anne’s Cove to the Wapi Indian Casino and then took the 1:30 a.m. employee ferry back to the mainland. Which is a terrible alibi since NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE REAL.

Mitch spends more time with pierced septum girl and ends up getting robbed. That is a real shocker when you’re dealing with a teenage runaway. But oh no, she also went through Mitch’s Dream Box! At least that allows us to see some of the letter that Mitch wrote to Rosie’s real father, David Rainer, who lives in Blaine. (And shouldn’t that last name be “Rainier”?)

Darren Richmond is back on his feet–not literally, he’s still paralyzed–but he is back to actively running his mayoral campaign. Dude, you just got shot a couple days ago. Take time for your gunshot wound to heal, re-evaluate how your life has permanently shifted, or at least learn how change your catheter without getting piss all over yourself. Or, you know, put all that on the backburner and run for political office. Winning the election should be easy now that your justifiably vindictive ex-girlfriend Gwen is back from DC to eat chicken shawarma and help work on the campaign.

Someone breaks into Linden’s hotel room and puts a kid’s crayon drawing on the fridge, which is scary enough for Linden and her son to move in to Holder’s place, so that a cigarette-smoking man can watch them from a parked car. Meanwhile, Duck from Mad Men thwarts the investigation by blocking the warrants on Michael Ames as well as the casino. He says it’s because the SPD can’t handle another high-profile mistake (which is true), but we also know that he’s dirty and in cahoots with Holder’s former NA sponsor, because obviously there is a huge conspiracy involving the Mayor and the Seattle Police Department and Jasper’s dad’s investment firm and Backpage.com a teenage escort service and the Seattle Polish Mafia and a fake-ass Indian tribe over the waterfront development project that somehow hinges upon the murder of a high school girl. But of course.

And this week in The Killing‘s attention to detail, let’s take a closer look at the front page of the Seattle Evening Standard:

First things first: Is the paper’s URL ses.online.com or SeattleEveningStandard.com? And why do they employ such terrible photoshoppers? However, that is small beans compared to the fact that everything but the Mayor Adams-Michael Ames story above the fold–the format, fonts, other stories, etc.–is completely stolen from the New York Times website. See the column on the left that lists the paper by section: World, US, Politics, New York, Business…. And see the editorial section to the top right, which lists a Thomas Friedman piece, “Freedom at 4 Below,” and a Ross Douthat piece, “The Persistence of the Culture War,” both of which appeared in the NYT‘s February 7, 2012 edition. There, I cracked the case of the stolen newspaper! Now can we please cancel this show?

Season 2 episode 4 of The Killing (“Ogi Jun”) starts with Linden and Holder on stakeout, going through Rosie’s backpack, just like I am trying to sort through this mess of a television series.

The Larsen boys are asking about Belko and their dad is lying to them, saying he’s sick, not at the morgue. Stan Larsen, you are not doing anyone any favors, especially with Tommy acting out, putting little brother Dennis in the trunk of the family car, and of course yelling at his aunt Terry “You’re not my mother!” I don’t care. Turns out that years ago, Stan had to kill some dude in order to get out of the Seattle Polish Mafia. Holder and Linden go talk to the man’s widow Monica.

Meanwhile Darren Richmond is being a big whiny baby and a total meanie, just because he’s lost all use of his legs. But he’s about to start physical therapy and so Jamie calls Gwen at her brand-new DC job for some details of Darren’s daily routine. Oh of course, Gwen gets emotional and through tears, she tells Jamie that the only thing that will get him out of bed is “being Darren Richmond again.” Shortly thereafter, Jamie tries to help move Richmond from his bed to his brand-new wheelchair and they both fall on the floor. Oopsy daisy. Powerful stuff.

And then the Mayor swings by the hospital to be magnanimous: “This isn’t how either of us pictured this ending, Darren.” And so Darren Richmond is depressed and wants to resign from the mayor’s race and he and Jamie get into a fight. This is all very zzzzzzz.

Linden gets a call from a lawyer, as her husband is suing for joint custody. “Your continued & consistent neglect and failure to meet your child’s basic needs as a parent” sums the situation up nicely.

Holder and Linden go talk to stupid Sterling–a character there’s no reason to care about, since we last saw her in the fourth episode last season–who quickly offers up that a guy with tats who had been in jail was hanging out in front of the Larsens’, watching Rosie. Thanks for that information now, Sterling!

And introducing Benissimo Lee, the famous juvenile detention tattoo artist, who remembers giving the Ogi Jun tattoo to one “Giffs,” the nom de juvie of Alexi Giffords, a foster kid whose latest home was three blocks from the Larsens’ place in Ballard.

Stan Larsen goes to the morgue to identify Belko and take care of the funeral services. But wait! Janek Kovarsky has done so already. TWIST. Stan goes to the sad-ass send-off for Belko Royce and Janek’s the only other person there too. But uh oh! Poor Tommy is getting bullied at school, and so Stan drops by to tell him that the next time some guys are talking shit about his whore of a sister, he should hit the biggest one. Father of the Year advice right there. And when Stan finds arson evidence in his van (which Kovarsky and his “friends” have been borrowing), he knows the mob was involved in the Beau Soleil fire. So Stan confronts Janek and is told to forget about Rosie and focus on the children he still has. Them’s fighting words–not Lane Pryce-Pete Campbell fighting words, but fighting words nonetheless.

Whilst taking a piss, Holder sees the Ogi Jun tattoo (on a guy with a sweet silver chain necklace), and he runs after him, but Alexi gets away. Then Linden violates a citizen’s civil liberties by illegally accessing Alexi’s foster records via a friend of Regi (remember her?) while Holder searches the guy’s apartment. Turns out Alexi Giffords is actually the son of Piotr Michaelski, the man who Stan Larsen killed. Piotr’s widow shows up just to tell Stan that he “got what he deserves.” But oh wait, Alexi had drawn a picture of Rosie and then scribbled on it!

So of course the killer is not going to be Alexi Michaelski–in fact, it will likely turn out that they were star-crossed lovers, so I’m going to jump one step ahead: how about if Rosie’s dad killed Rosie? She was found with her hands tied in a trunk of a car at the bottom of a pond, while Stan’s victim was shot in the head, bound, and put in the trunk of a car before sinking to the bottom of a pond. And why the hell not at this point? We’ve had every other suspect thus far. TWIN PEEEEAAAAAAKKKKSSSS! Boom, drop the mic.