Today is Election Day, and it’s a total dud. I mean City Council Position 5, County Assessor, this Star Wars nerd, money for schools…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Next year is where all the action will be, so let’s take a look at what lies ahead.
President: OBAMA/Biden vs. ROMNEY/Rubio. A presidential race featuring an incumbent with an under-50-percent approval rating versus a Massachusetts flip-flopper. I love the nineties! Or whatever seven years ago was!!
What if all of us are wrong and Obama is a Kenyan-born muslin, who works with our enemies, implements death panels, has no regard for the Constitution, is coming for the guns, wants to quadruple taxes, accidentally killed his gay-lover/first cousin Osama Bin Laden, sleeps in Karl Marx’s tomb, will open our borders, will never end the BCS, and is in fact Adolf Hitler? Well, I think we’d all owe this guy an apology.
Mars Hill Guy, your thoughts on Mitt Romney?
Governor: Jay Inslee vs. Rob McKenna. Initially, Politico had our governor’s race as the most competitive in the nation. However, we are now down to third, behind Utah and North Carolina, which might as well be a French province. Hey, Inslee, McKenna, get your shit together or we’ll find two candidates who know how to keep this state number one. SayWA!!!
Senate: Maria Cantwell vs. Michael Baumgartner. A few weeks ago, I got an email from Al Gore. Having only met the Vice President once, after hiding under his bed for three weeks, I was interested to read his apology. Well, turns out it was a fundraising email in which Gore declared that Cantwell “faces a tough re-election fight.” Which is odd, because I thought you first needed an opponent.
There is, however, one Republican who is brave enough to run, State Senator Michael Baumgartner. He went to both Wazzu and Harvard, so he can talk to the lite beer-swilling commoner and port-chugging elitist. However, it’s going to take big bucks to beat a two-term Senator and so far his campaign can’t even afford a Wikipedia image.
Congress: Jim McDermott vs. Some Person. McDermott has represented Washington’s seventh district since 1846, when he defeated Sasquatch in a duel.
Initiative 1057: This measure would mandate that Costco is the only retailer with the legal authority to sell and distribute liquor. Wait, what? 1183 was a gateway initiative–Costco, you fooled us! Where will your evil deeds end?
Initiative 1058: This measure would give Costco the power to raise the price of a hot dog and 20-oz. soda (with refill) to $10,000. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
City Proposition 1: Tunnel vs. Monorail. The monorail is primed for a comeback. Meanwhile, Portland is building seven more of these things.
Oh man, I can’t wait. Until then, your 2011 ballots need to be stuffed in a ballot box or postmarked by today. It’ll be good practice for next year.